Pause in my life

A few times I have commented on some personal level stuff that I have to fight. Generally, though I try to keep it separate from my blog life and homeschooling life. But, KathyJo at Barefoot Meandering has posted about a bill in Illinois called the Postpartum Mood Disorders Prevention Act .

Besides the fact, that in my opinion, medical professionals are horrible at diagnosing mental disorders. This type of bill is just another way that the state would like to step in and become the 'parent' for the child. Only those who meet the states rigid standards are now allowed to parent children. If any parent is shown to have any weaknesses or and inability to fall lock-step with government mandates will be unable to raise children for the fear of creating another generation of free-thinkers. (these are just my own thoughts on what the ideas are behind the law) Remember the Hitler saw mental illness as a weakness and had those people killed - no matter that he was psychotic himself.

My children are the most precious beings in my life. There are times that they are the reason I get up in the morning and do what I do. The time during the day that I spend with them are generally the most sane times of the day for me, even with the chaos of four young children.

I have suffered from mental illness (Post-traumatic Stress Disorder), mostly undiagnosed or diagnosed wrongly, for 90% of my life. And that does include my childhood. Thankfully I had a period of remission from about age 20 to age 30, in which I married and began having children. A few months after Em was born, or about two years ago, my symptoms were triggered again. And since then I have been riding an up-and-down roller coaster.

Eighteen months ago I started therapy again. And with that and some breathing, meditation techniques I have for the whole, been able to control the anxiety to a functionable level. I try very, very hard to avoid medications for me. When you have a depression episode and an MD prescribes the newest and hottest anti-depressant and it ends you up in the nuthouse, then you might be wary also. It wasn't the only bad reaction I had from anti-depressants, so I tend to shy away from them as long as I am functioning.

I had noticed that my anxiety had been growing stronger over the last few weeks. And this weekend my anxiety has just about reached non-functioning levels. What do you mean its not normal to want to throw the prayer book during Easter Morning services and run out of the sanctuary screaming? No, I didn't do this I just really wanted to.

I saw my therapist on Monday and we decided that it would be helpful for me to take a short-term anxiety medication. I agreed with that, I'm not opposed to meds when necessary - just a life-long dependency on them to be 'normal.' She referred me to a local doctor that has been very helpful to her in the past, and I went to see her yesterday.

Well I must have hit her on a really bad day. Because she had not reviewed the letter my therapist sent over and she starts quizzing me on all these things and then gave me a diagnosis and started writing a prescription for Prozac. Thanks, but no thanks. We argued, yes argued, for twenty minutes. Apparently at the beginning of the session she thought I was moderately depressed with anxiety and by the end she was telling me that if I don't start on an anti-depressant that I would be in the hospital by the end of the week. Which doesn't make any sense to me since she was telling me that it would be about two weeks before I started to see the drug working.

By this time my anxiety symptoms had exploded exponentially since they are adrenal (fight or flight) based. I could tell she just wanted this crazy, stubborn, stupid woman who doesn't know what is good for her out of the office.
I told her that I wanted a prescription for X.

"Well X isn't generally given for depression with anxiety."

But I don't have depression - I have PTSD, and it is given for anxiety related to that

"I don't know. It's nothing I have ever done before. But if it has worked for you I'll give you the prescription. You need to go see a psychiatrist about getting your depression treated soon."

Stupid MDs. That visit did nothing to improve my feelings about doctors in general.

Now, I'm thinking I need to be looking over my shoulder for CPS to show up soon since I refused the anti-depressant.

Kids on ritalin, parents on prozac = happy little sheep. Baaaaa.

Peace