Autopilot

This week I have felt as if I have been trudging through mud, physically and emotionally. I find it absolutely amazing that most days things are getting accomplished. Not everything, and not all things well. But we are making it out and about, school is still cruising along in autopilot right now, and the house is liveable. Some things are becoming more enjoyable, while other areas I am just trying to ignore right now.

I am becoming more able to be with and touch my girls again - which for some really, really strange and odd reason would cause me to have anxiety attacks a couple of weeks ago. I still have not figured that one out -- and it really freaked me out, realizing what was causing the anxiety attacks. Since the attacks have disappeared for right now, I am taking advantage and spending as much time, individually, with each girl cuddling and doing things that they want to do. In a way the attacks did cause me to reflect upon what a precious time it is in their lives, one I do not want to miss.

I have to focus on being in the 'here and now' which really makes me in what is actually going on right at the moment with the girls. Before, I would often multi-task with them. My mind would be on the one-hundred tasks I needed to do in running the household, while I would be building a block house or reading a fairy tale. But, I don't even have the mental energy for that anymore, so I just really focus on what is right before me.

These two things, though the result of a very difficult time, have resulted in very nice benefits. I can't believe some of the small things I was missing out on by not fully concentrating on the girls when I was with them. Growth in maturity and abilities of all of them.

MB is really growing into her own. And, in general, I am so proud of the little girl she is becoming. Most of the moodiness and temper that we struggled with just a couple of months ago has gone away. She is helpful and in general agreeable. She is not so ready with an argument, although more than ready to negotiate about anything. The help she provides to her two sisters and myself cannot be measured.


As difficult as it might seem to be home all day, homeschooling, during this season of my life, it has become my light right now. It actually gives me a reason each morning to crawl out of bed, to cook and eat meals, to try and find fun things to do each and every day. It is hard for me to say, but without the girls I honestly do not know where I would be right now in this depression. Because of them, I cannot let go and just drop into the abyss. I have to put one foot in front of the other and as Dorie from Finding Nemo puts it "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming."

So, in an attempt to make myself feel better about this week, let's look at what we have managed to do.

Wednesday

Finished cleaning house, made brownies and set-up craft project for afternoon co-op. Due to illness, only one other family came. It was okay, because I think that one other family was all I could do this month.

Had an actual, non-family member, babysitter in the evening so that I could attend my first therapist appointment this time around. MB and K, love this girl. So, we will probably start using her on a regular basis for appointments and to just get a break. She lives in the neighborhood, on our street and her mother is at home. She also has a younger sister who, not ready to babysit on her own, would make a really good mother's helper. We will just have to see how much sanity breaks our wallet will be able to afford.

Thursday

Attended science co-op in the morning. The first class in a month because of travel and sickness in the group. MB loved it and loved seeing her friends again. Then straight to gymnastics. I love gymnastics class. It is much larger than it was when we first started in September, but the mothers and father are really neat people and I do enjoy spending an hour each week with them.

After gymnastics we came home and all 3 girls collapsed. MB, did not actually go to sleep, but did lay motionless on the sofa for nearly two hours. I had planned on going straight into schoolwork when we got home, but I reconsidered after seeing how tired everyone was. So we took a two hour break. We got a couple pages of math and Dolche done before the neighborhood friends came to play.

Friday

The one morning that we really could have slept in this week, everyone woke up early. We made pancakes together and did some laundry. Then knocked out math and a couple history worksheets we still needed to complete. Then packed up and went to a meeting. The girls are getting used to being at the meetings. EM loves to charm everyone and is constantly trying to get the other two babies to play with her. K is in heaven with all the other 3/4 yr olds there. MB, does not like it the most because everyone is younger than her on most days. But, she is adjusting. She alternates between working Word Find puzzles, coloring and entertaining EM.

After the meeting we came home for lunch and a quick movie. EM went down for her nap, so MB and I played some card games from our Rightstart math program and K watched her movie. After five games I had reached my game playing limit, so we moved back to schoolwork. MB read me half of a Rookie Reader Science Reader on migration, then I read from One Small Square - Woods. We answered the science questions and discussed the project we are going to try to do tomorrow.

We finished up the week with a new activity I have been trying. On Fridays, MB has to pick something from history, science or a story we have read and draw a picture of it then write one or two lines. We generally spend some time reviewing the week together and let MB decide what she wants to do. Then she draws the picture and writes the sentences. I am trying to gently remind her to try and sound out words she is unsure of, but still help enough that she doesn't become frustrated and give up on writing again.

Tonight she finished reading the first chapter of a new early reader book. She is up to 12 completed books on the reading wall. At least half of these are actually early chapter or multi-story books. Once she reads 20 books we will take her and a friend out for pizza.

It is the end of the week, and I am flat exhausted by trying to hold it all together for the week. I am looking forward to a couple of days of dual parenting. I will get away to a very cool meeting tomorrow morning, before everyone wakes up, and then maybe escape for a little while later in the day. Still have some shopping to do for my extended family.

DH leaves Sunday evening for a week-long business trip. He never has to travel so I am totally unused to the experience of single parenting. I have mixed feelings about it. I am scared and a little anxious about being ON duty, by myself, for a week. Trying to figure out how to get my breaks in there. But, I have to say that I am kind of looking forward to letting things loose for a week. Mac 'n' Cheese and chicken nuggets for dinner - Sure, everyone curled up and reading in bed at 10:30 - Okay!! So, I guess we will see how it goes.

Peace,

Amy