Monday, February 28, 2005

Apologies

I have not been blogging the way that I meant to. Often times I begin to and then stop myself because I find that my post is just too negative or whatever. I find myself 'prettying up' the entry and then I feel "what is the use of this."

I am also finding it hard to actually post as there are three people in the house vying for the use of the computer now, and the location of the computer is difficult. Our computer is in a front room (what would have been a formal living room when the house was built, but is our office, den and guest room), I can hear what is going on the rest of the house but I can't see. This is not good with a two-year-old in the house. We have an older laptop which blanked out on me about four months ago. We have not gotten it fixed yet, as I just couldn't see the need to put money in it with everything else going on.

The good news is that I mentioned our broken laptop to our pastor and he says that there is someone in the church who fixes computers on the side, so we may get the laptop fixed. This will greatly help me in working on the Holy Spirit Bible Study I am creating for our church, and I will be able to blog a little more. I will be able to set the laptop back up in our main room (kitchen/family room/where we basically live room) and I will be able to be with the girls and get my work done instead of being seperate from them.

I have been pretty negative lately. My feelings have been all over the board with frustration and stress. I think that I probably have a touch of post-partum depression with a bit of end-of-winter blues. This is worrisome for me to some degree with my history of depression, but as long as I acknowlege it I handle it alot better than I used to. My life the last few weeks has been running herd on a sneaky curious toddler while trying to nurse little EM who seems to be in a perpetual growth spurt. These two things do not go together.

The days seem to fly by and I never feel as though I am accomplishing anything. If I could only get a load of laundry all the way done, from wash to folded and put away. But more often lately we just create Mt. Clothing in what is supposed to be my escape reading corner.

I know that this is just a season in my life, but often knowing and feeling do not go hand-in-hand. I have been keeping my gratitude list in my paper journal, this serves to keep me grounded and remind me that no matter what I am feeling, that there is an alternate reality. My husband would love to have me back too, as right now in the evening all I want to do is crawl into a hole by myself. Sometimes I just get so tired of being wanted - Right Now!

Enough of my vent. So if you wonder where I am - I am trying to come up with something similey and upbeat to share.

Peace

Amy

1 comment:

Jess said...

I feel the same way. I think it's the end of the winter blues. Maybe yours is highlighted because your mom just left. I'm always sad when my loved ones leave (even if part of me is relieved to have my privacy back).

I couldn't view the pictures, but wanted to! I'm thinking of moving our big screen into my bedroom and the desk and puter into the living room. That will cut down on TV viewing it can also double as a DVD player when needed. ;-)

Hugs, hope you can get your laptop fixed...

Jess

A family of six living and learning. You might catch us outside in the mud or working on crafts. We always seem to be on the go, come on and join us.