Tuesday, April 05, 2005

A personal journey

The following post is PG for adult issues.

I have been inspired by Kathy over at Our Life to write a little

about my journey to faith. This has also been reinforced by things

that are going on right now that are making me think about my life and

the journey I have been on.

I believe that I have always been searching for God in my life. The

Father that will love you no matter what.

As a child my family attended church, but that was all. It might have

been the church that meet my family needs, but it didn't fit for me. I

didn't get it there an since I wasn't getting it at home, I wasn't

getting it. This has lead me as an adult to truth #1 - Coming to faith

is like educating a child, one size does not fit all.In teaching

children about faith and God it is probably more productive for the

family to do it, than to depend upon some church (even if it is an

absolutely wonderful church).

As a young child, about MB's age, I already felt distant and really

unattached to the people around me. But also as a young child I needed

someone who would want to be around me, who liked me. And like any 5

yr old I was a people pleaser. This of course left me open to some bad

things to happen in my life over the next few years.

I was also a questioning child, and found it very hard to take things

at face value. When one explains how God's love is a father's love to

a child who has really never felt like she had a father's encompassing

love, it won't get through.

At 11 I was allowed to make the choice to

not attend church anymore. I didn't know what God's love felt like,

therefore I didn't feel it.I also already felt like a sinner, but not

sorry about it, so obviously I could never have God's love.

For a hundred reasons, I began to act out in so many self-hating ways

- drinking, drugs, relationships. (Yes, at 11). And so would go my

teen years. I hated myself, my family, school, God and church (as in

the larger christian church).

I managed to hold it together long enough to get into college and move

away from my family. But within the first year of school I had a major

breakdown and drinking binge. This lead me to be introduced to a

therapist who really began my journey out of the darkness. Shortly

before college I had begun self-mutilating my body by making razor

cuts on my arms and legs. This activity, along with my drinking and

drug induced blackouts concerned the therapist so much that she went

to the point of having me commit myself to a mental health hospital.

Although it really took me another year to achieve any lasting

sobriety, I eventually hooked on to a 12-step program. It was through

this that I began to learn about God and reach out to Him again.

During my very last binge, I also learned that He had never let me go

and was ready for me when I could give up the alcohol that was taking

His place in my life.

I meet my wonderful husband, who had a church that he attended

somewhat regularly and had grown up in. But I think it took him three

years to get me to attend with him. I was sober but still somewhat

miserable in my life.

We married in the church, and when we had MB we had her baptized in

the church, but I had never joined the church. It was having MB

baptized that led me to determine that I needed something more. I need

to find out what God meant to me. So I went through joining the church,

and meet the new assistant pastor and his wife that had been brought

in to help create a new church that was needed in the area. I felt a

draw to the to of them but did not know why.

At church one day I happened to spy the therapist that had set me on

my way back to health. She was the mother of the asst. pastor's wife.

This was to me a statement from God affirming that He had never

forgotten me and that He had always had a path for me.

I joined a small group bible study, started keeping my journal

regularly again and praying. I finally got down on my knees and asked

God for forgiveness for all the wrongs I had done. The spiritual

growth began.

Every day since I can feel the growth happening. I can tell that I am

coming closer to being the woman God wants me to be. Because of my

personal experiences, I know that God has a path for me, one that I

can choose or not choose. I also know that He speaks to me, in so many

ways throughout the day.


I write this today because I am really struggling with anger I am

feeling towards someone very close to me. I have given up asking that

the anger be removed, but instead that it become a "working anger" one

that will move us toward whatever God wants us to do.

It is also an anger that brings up a lot of my insecurities and

issues. I am struggling with not stuffing my anger down and moving on,

but instead confronting in a loving way. God will give me the

strength, but I have to take the step.

Peace to all,


1 comment:

Kate said...

What a testimony to God's never ending unfailing love. I have been so bad at keeping up with blogs lately, but had been thinking about you often. I know how deep seeded anger can eat away and make us even more miserable. I will keep you in prayer and for God's direction in what to do with those feelings. He'll take it from you. XO - Kate

A family of six living and learning. You might catch us outside in the mud or working on crafts. We always seem to be on the go, come on and join us.