Monday, May 23, 2005

Musings and Guilty Feelings

I will start off with the guilty feelings. The last few days have been really nice without MB here. I feel guilty thinking and writing that, but I also feel if I acknowledge it then maybe I can get back on track working with her temperment. I do miss her, she is so very alive in everything that she does. Her excitement over learning something new. There have been times I have turned to show or tell her something and realized that she is not here.

What has been nice has been the peace in the house, has been the lack of stress that I seem to daily carry around on my shoulders waiting for the explosion or breakdown. I have enjoyed being able to spend time with both K and little EM without MB hovering. I have enjoyed K relax and play by herself with her trains or little people knowing that she is not suddenly going to be interrupted by MB.

OK, so now that our dirty laundry is out on the table it is time that I clean it. I first heard the term "Spirited Child" when MB was about 3 years old. Not only did the description fit her it also fit me. I began trying to work with the temperament so that she could be successful and we weren't constantly struggling. Along the way life started to intrude and although some methods remained in our daily activities, others seemed to be forgotten before they really had a chance to try and work. I am also finding that of course some of the methods that worked for a preschooler no longer seem to fit. So I am off to try and find new techniques to employ. Unfortunately MB has struggled for so long with self-control that I am starting to see signs of it in the way she views herself and I know how very damaging this can be, even at 5 years of age.

It is frustrating, every time I feel like I am making forward strides in working with MB and I can let up a little bit an spend some time concentrating on the girls' that are not as high need as she is, another brick tumbles out of MB's foundation.I know that she struggled at my mom's house for the three days she was there. She was so excited that she forgot the rules over and over. She could not sleep and she fought with my mom over simple normal activities that my mom purposefully did. And although I have not heard from my Dad I am pretty sure that MB is probably struggling there as she is camping for the first time and spending 3 days with a step-cousin that she can normally deal with being around for 3 hours.

I want her to be happy with the special person that God created. The one that is full of energy and can accomplish so much in one day. The one that is so perceptive that she can see things that none of the rest of us in the family can. The one that is very creative and verbal who could be a wonderful writer some day. The person who is so flexible in her routine it does not freak her out to have surprises or to change plans on a dime. The person who is persistant enough to find a way to do something even if the rest of us think it cannot be done.

So I am musing over new ways to reach into MB and help her to understand why she sometimes feels as though she can't stop jumping, why she feels like she can't calm down once she has brokendown and help teach me ways to watch out for the triggers.

But while she is not here I am enjoying the time with K and little EM.

Little Em is 5 months old now and has such a wonderful personality. She will sit and talk for so long and when she feels she needs attention she doesn't cry, but instead starts to jabber until someone responds. She is rolling over and is really trying to sit up on her own. Her food consumption is so great that we have started on solids and she is loving it. She knows that the spoon brings food and as soon as she sees it her mouth is wide open. I couldn't ask for a better sleeping child. She goes to bed between 8:30 and 9 pm and sleeps until 7:30 am. No night wakings no fussiness. She just falls asleep wherever she is at that time and is out all night. I am totally spoiled by this little girl.

K and I are having a great time. While MB was 2-4 yrs old I told everybody that it was an age that I just struggled with. The development they go through during that time period and all the other things, I just did not enjoy being around a toddler. But K and I are having soo much fun. We are painting and talking about colors and shapes. We dance. We build train tracks and take them apart and build them again. I can sit down and read to her.

The only thing is that I picked this week to really concentrate on potty training with K. I refuse to put a diaper back on her (except at bedtime). The first two days went very well and she was starting to tell us when she needed to go. But yesterday and today have been zeros on the success scale. She does not want to go, when we ask where she is supposed to go she says "pants" instead of "potty" or "toilet." I have been using a timer to remind me to take her in to at least sit on the potty, she is to the point that she goes when she hears it beep, before I can get her to the bathroom. Just wherever she is. And last night she woke up at 1:30 in the morning and refused to go back to sleep for a couple of hours. I don't know if the two things are related, but I know that K often has sleep problems when she is going through development times. But I have two more days before MB comes back and I am going to keep working at it.

Anyway this is a pretty horrible post I know. But I decided when I started this blog it was going to be my journal through being home with the girls and homeschooling them and this is all part of the fun. What I learn now I can use later.



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A family of six living and learning. You might catch us outside in the mud or working on crafts. We always seem to be on the go, come on and join us.