Thursday, October 20, 2005

One Step In Front of The Other

I'm still here and still plodding along. I want to write about how I am feeling - but really don't think that many would find it interesting. I don't want this blog to become about how bad things are at this moment. In truth, I am trying to find the gratitude in everything. The initial moment has passed, daily I am coping more. I am talking to more people and trying to find the path out of this wilderness trip. But, the thing that bothers me the most is that I feel very alone in it all. DH, made a decision to do something that has brought back the past and affected our future, in very tough ways. We love each other and will work it out, God willing. But, I can't automatically go to my Rock to talk through this. Some people close to us have seemingly chosen to distant themselves at this time. And we are not ready to discuss it with family. So, all day long I get to dwell and think while caring for the children. Stuck and lost in my own thoughts. It is very hard for me to say "I need...", and it is even harder to do it and feel so alone that it echoes back to me.

Peace and Serenity is escaping me at this time. And I am probably feeling things more strongly than I would normally.

Vent Warning

I posted on a homeschooling board for suggestions of how the homeschool in autopilot with young children. I did receive some good information, but relatively quickly a thread was started to discuss a piece of someone's response to me. At the same time, I stopped getting responses. I felt very hurt by it. Whether I should or not isn't the question, but I do. Another day, another time I would have blown raspberries and moved one. But these past few days that has been hard for me to do.

I also sent an email to five wonderful ladies that were a part of an intense bible study that we did last year. We stay in touch and do provide a prayer loop of sorts. I received back an email that basically said: "Thanks for updating us on your life. Here is what is happening in our family."

I don't really know why these two incidences bothered me so much, except that they just made me feel even more alone in everything. The more alone I feel the more I withdraw, the more I withdraw the more I feel like a bad mom. Can you see the spiral happening.

Prayer - yeah I am trying, but I am at one of those times when it is really hard. It is not just trying to find the time I *feel* like I need to be in prayer - but also I have lost the connection that makes prayer so much easier. I know He is there - but I can't feel him right now, and that makes me feel the loneliest of all.

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And since this is a homeschool blog and I would like to leave it tonight on a happier note. We pulled out the microscope this afternoon. My sister's FIL found two microscope kits at a yard sale last year. He gave one to my sis for her daughter and one came to us. I have not been brave enough to pull out something with glass slides and thin cut blades; but figured we should probably do something school-y today. Mb an I enjoyed testing it out and had some fun examining some plant slides we made.

I have also received a new science guide, My World Science with units on Woods, Human Body and Rainforests that we are going to start soon. MB is excited about that. The Woods is up first especially with all her interests in trees lately. Plus I think it will be a good time for some nature walks in the woods.

Tomorrow is Friday!! MB has a sleep-over at a friend's house and I am going to try to go visit with a friend of mine, without children. Wish me luck. I will see how much work MB wants to do, but not push it. I haven't all week, why start on Friday. She has seemed to stay on ask much better than I have all week, so I really don't feel like we have missed too much. Let's just call it Fall Break and move on.



Peace to all,

Amy

8 comments:

J-Lynn said...

I have some great links to articles I'll send you Amy about HSing.

Amy, you are doing a great job. You are probably feeling vulnerable and insecure so everything is going to seem blown up right now. Wait until tomorrow and see if you feel better about those things. If you don't, write to them and tell them how you feel. Matthew 18:15.

About praying, I would just start talking, even if you don't want too - this is what I do. Usually it escalates from there and sometimes I'm crying on my knees and don't even know how I got there. The Spirit will move you.

All I can offer you are my hugs, and prayers. I wish I could be there in real life. But I'm still here and I care...

Kathy Jo DeVore said...

((hugs)) I'm so sorry that things are rough right now, Amy. I'll add my offer to the others-- if you need a listening ear, I'm here. And you will be in my prayers.

Absolutely agree with everything Jess said, too.

Blessings.

Dy said...

And another ear/shoulder/random body part here. You're in my prayers.

I do not know if this will help at all, but it came to me while reading your post and so, without prying or expecting a reply, here goes.

Zorak and I have a lot of hurt, betrayal and pain in our ten-year history together. Calls/decisions have been made that had what I would have called devastating results, and there were times all I could do was cry, swear, and drink more coffee. Praying didn't feel like prayer, so I prayed that it would become so again. And I cried (and swore) some more.

God can bring us through it, and oftentimes it's the very stubborn nature He has given us which He uses as the cohesive matter to get us through (ie. "we will work this out. I don't know how, but we will." Not the other kind of stubborn, which just hinders any forward movement, kwim?) It's not always easy, and even once the crest has been reached, the path back down the other side isn't always a smooth one.

But it can be done. And the healing is amazing. And looking back, God's hand in the matter is much more clearly visible than it is while you are being held in the palm of His hand.

Check out Matthew 18, like Jess recommended. If it's applicable, it will help tremendously. If it's not, then perhaps Romans 5:3-5 may offer you some support. These things cannot be done outside the Lord, but through Him.

Wishing you peace, fortitude and healing.
Dy

Amy said...

Jess, Kathy Jo and Dy -

Thank you very, very much. I read the suggested verses this morning and they did help.

I am feeling better this morning, because we had a long talk last night. And, although, things are not absolutely 100% okay, at least I have a clearer picture than I did before. I also know that *I* am not the only one in the wilderness and that the two of us can come through together. With God, we will pull through together.

A little more info now that I can. Both dh and I were in a recovery program when we met nearly 12 yrs ago. This summer experimentation began again for him, with me finding out last month. Since my program is not exactly in ship-shape order I just tried to ignore it. But last weekend I realized where we were in the cycle, and I got very scared. We talked Monday evening, but nothing was resolved. DH spent the week doing what he needed to do, while I got to watch. Until last night.

It has been a week of self-discoveries for me, all-in-all. I am hopeful. We have a plan, we are aware - first stop go visit our pastor together.


Thank you, thank you for all your prayers. They definetly were working.

Peace,

Amy

J-Lynn said...

We'll keep praying Amy - I'm SO glad you were comforted last night. God is so good to give us those little glimpses that things will be OK!

Anonymous said...

The reason you are so hurt by those 2 incidents, is that you turned for help and everyone was too interested in their lives to help you. Shame on them. As to homeschooling on autopilot, remember: God has equipped you do all that He has called you to do. Sometimes that means: science is cleaning out the fridge and reading is your kids curled around you thumbing through books as you lay in the fetal position. Don't be hard on yourself. Do what you can do, when and how you can do it. Your kids will be fine. A good lesson for all kids is that life is hard and sometimes mommy has to cry. I'm praying for you. I have so enjoyed your blog and your family. You are an amazing woman and you are raising amazing children. Oh, every once and awhile (more on a bad day) it is ok to pop in a movie and keep everyone in jammies!

Dy said...

Terri wrote: reading is your kids curled around you thumbing through books as you lay in the fetal position. Don't be hard on yourself.

Can I just add a HEARTY "amen" to that?!? Boy, oh boy, yes. It's not good all the time, but once in a while that's just how it's gotta get done. And it's okay.

Amy, still praying. That's a big step you and DH have taken. Blessings on your visit with your pastor, and we're pulling for you both over here!!

Dy

Admin said...

I'm sorry that people on those threads and in emails did that to you. I've had that happen to me as well, and in person where I'm in the middle of a sentence and they cut me off to say something about themselves. Try to realize that they probably don't even realize they are doing it. I'm glad you do have a friend to go to and she can help focus on you during this time. I know when you are struggling it's hard to see people going through their lives like nothing has changed. Sometimes you want to yell at them and say "Can't you see that I'm hurting! You're supposed to help me!" But not everyone can see that or they are blinded by their own secrets and worries.

As to paths through the wilderness, people often take different paths in similar situations, so what is right for one person may not be right for you. Pray and trust God that he'll lead you to the right path.

A family of six living and learning. You might catch us outside in the mud or working on crafts. We always seem to be on the go, come on and join us.